Thank goodness the crazy storms held off today! I managed to go for a run this morning once my breakfast had settled, and it felt great! I was out for 50 minutes altogether, and for some reason I felt like I was flying along today. It was the perfect way to start the day, and put me in a great mood :) I need to get a watch that tracks distance though, especially if I’m going to be training myself up for a race!
After I got back to the house, I was bombarded by Alfie and Cassie, the resident fur babies. I’ll take some pictures tomorrow, because I’m sure you’ll be hearing a lot more about those two trouble-makers on here :)
The rest of the day was less fun. I was debating whether to write about it so early on, but perhaps it’ll do me some good to share what’s on my mind.
After a shower and some lunch, I binged on cereal, yoghurt, and granola bars/cookies. For such a short sentence, that was a pretty tough one to write! I’ve had this problem for over five years now, and for the past four to six weeks it had been getting so much better – I had been journalling, and keeping a food diary - and it seemed like expressing myself in that way was helping me cope with whatever it was that had been causing me to binge in this way.
I had been pretty nervous about coming home from university, because of the loss of control I associate with a major switch-up in my routine. I had been doing really well until a couple of days ago, but for whatever reason, I have binged on each of the past three days. I’m hoping that having this blog as an outlet will help me work through these issues, because clearly they haven’t been resolved regardless of how well I had been doing over the past month and a half.
Part of the problem is how I tend to deal with the fall-out following a binge. My reactions are generally one or more of the following:
- I’m huge. Therefore it won’t make any difference if I keep on doing this, because I’m already disgusting.
- I have to do some exercise to cancel this out. If I can’t, then it just confirms that I’m a weak person. (This one is something that I’m really struggling with at home, because if it happened while I was at university it was easy to go to a spin class, or spend hours at the campus gym.)
- No wonder I don’t have a boyfriend. Who would want someone who can’t control themselves in this way? I’m unattractive. (This is ironic, as by binging I only make myself feel worse. I feel powerless to stop this self-sabotage though.)
- I cannot eat until tomorrow morning. (Not only because of the physical discomfort, but because it makes me feel better if I manage to wait 15-16 hours before my next meal.)
- I don’t want to go out and meet with old friends, because they will think I’m disgusting. I also feel embarrassed to be around my family, and don’t want to answer questions about why I’m not eating dinner.
Now then. Sorry for making you sit through that – I feel really odd putting such private thoughts out there for scrutiny, and I feel a bit self-indulgent too – but I’m hoping that by pushing myself out of my comfort zone in this way, and opening myself up to any advice, that any shame or embarrassment will slowly dissipate. I know that Melissa writes about her own struggles in her Side Notes, and her bravery is what is inspiring me to share my own issues with you.
How do you get back on track after a tough day?
Thanks for listening, and here’s to making tomorrow happier and healthier,